By Moses Kim
SAT Prompt #16
“I farted.” –PlatoQuestion: Is it better to fart than not to fart at all?
You’re seriously going to make me
do this.
Manny—oh, wow, sweaty palms—MANY
people will reference the comically squeaky sound, the odious odor that
odorizes everything in a two-foot radius, and the environmental cost of farting
methane into our environment as reasons not to engage in flatulence—okay, none
of that is true. As anybody who has heard “he who smelt it, dealt it,” will
attest, anybody who actually argues against farting is a hypocrite by nature.
But this is obviously what you want me to begin with so I can then spend the
rest of my essay tearing down the opinions of these nonexistent “many people”
and pat myself on the back for being such an independent mind. But I digress;
unfortunately, in my rage I forgot not to write this rant on my test sheet, and
now my first paragraph is way too long, so if we can just start over—
Oh, we’re already down to twenty-one
minutes? Okay.
MANY PEOPLE will reference a bunch
of blahblahblah as reasons not to fart. However, they are all fartfaces of the
highest order because farting is a completely natural activity to engage in,
and as I will show you through scientific, social, and personal examples, as if
I even cared about science or society (of course I care about myself, and
thankfully, I remembered not to write this thought down this time), farting is
a way for us to pursue liberation from the established order of things.
As I already (accidentally, and
regrettably) mentioned in my longass introduction, farting is a completely
natural act. The average person, in fact, farts fourteen times a day. (That is
totally scientific because I saw it on Nickelodeon. When I was eight years old.
And still didn’t speak a breath of decent English. I would talk some more about
that fact, but I have seventeen minutes and two more body paragraphs to write.
And I still have to finish this one. Just to check, you guys have fact
checkers, right? Right? Oh, you don’t? I have an idea.)
I have more information that is
absolutely legitimate, which you will surely later check to validate. According
to a study conducted by the incredibly reliable Harvard University, 88% of
historical figures in the twentieth century farted at least twice as often as
the average person, including people like Martin Luther King, who let one rip
every time he nailed a particularly insightful point, and Neil Armstrong, who had
to get a Febreze dispenser installed in his spacesuit so he wouldn’t suffocate
on long trips. The other 12% were probably all of the boring people, like that
guy who invented penicillin and that other guy who got impeached for some other
boring stuff. Anyway, this totally scientific study which I did not make up proves
that the tendency to pass the gas is correlated with qualities of leadership,
which proves something else about my thesis and my hands really hurt already.
(Okay. Third paragraph. Eleven
minutes. Proofreading took a while; perhaps I should skip that from now on.)
Socially, farting is break from the
status quo, a ways for us to pursue our individuality and asserts ourselves. Maya
Angelou, in famous book That Bird Is Singing in a Cage (oh, I really
hope I got that title right) recounted a story of a sit-in she attended where white
police officers forced their way to the counter and assaultid the nonviolent
protestors. The civil rights protestors were totes (who has time to write “totally”?)
an unprotected class, and farting was one of the only ways they had to assert their…dammitcrampscrampscramps…humaneities.
Through farding (that is NOT correct, but I have nine minutes to write and none
of them to revise), the whole world is unites in mélange of sounds and smells,
which all human, regardles of status, class, or race, can take part inn. (Of
course, Angelou didn’t talk about farting at all in her book, but the way I
wrote this paragraph, you just might be fooled. Even if you don’t bite, the way
I used “mélange” as if I actually knew what it meant will certainly net me at
least a few points for vocabulary. At least I have enough time to write my last
paragraph now.)
Finally, my personal experience
with farting has given me an understand—
“Three minutes left, guys.”
YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS NOW?!
Okayokayokay somethingaboutfarting.
I…uh…I have fart throughout my entire life (grit your teeth and power through
the humiliation). When I younger, my farts get reactions of revulssion and
angers (am I really writing this?). I had a friend who constantly laughs at me
and call me Gassy Ass (this friend was imaginary, and I just made him up, but
at least this sounds convincing). However, as I was a matured, my farts was
mature as well (nonononoIwillnotlivethisdown). I learned to not fear the
rejections of others and embrace my flatulence (I’m sorry, Mom). Now, every
time I farts, I stop to consider the…the…the cramps! The ease that I does it
with. Farting should be done confidently, as a reminder of who we is.
“One minute!”
(Oh crap, a conclusion.)
As we can see in the three examples
I have explained today, farting should not be treated as something to be avoids—avoided
but something to see as integral part of our individuality and perhapss if we
accept this pastime we can see beyond status quoses and into our (TEN SECONDS
LEFT) souls so that we can finish what the thoughts we have in our and the last
part of this sente
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